Monday, June 30, 2008

Pero: The Hidden Cure

All growing up I had friends who had problems with warts. You know, good ol' human papillomavirus. I thanked my lucky stars that I never had problems with them. Stupid lucky stars.

Warts all over the hands, growing bigger and bigger, their sight causing embarrassment and their contagion causing concern for others. There were times my wife would ask why I don't touch her. "Well, because I don't want to infect you with these bloody warts."

I burned them off. More would grow. Some grew so deep into the pads of my fingers it felt like I had a rock deep in my skin. I froze them off. Things looked good...for about a year and then more of the little buggers would appear. Duct tape, grapefruit seed extract, mojo, voodoo...nothing would get rid--and keep rid--of the little white devils.

I went to a practitioner of Chinese herbology and acupuncture. He suggested I eat a handful of boiled barley a day. Barley? Well, whatever. I've tried everything else.

In less than a month, every wart on my hands had shrunken or fallen off.

And like every other moron creating anti-biotic-resistant microbes, I stopped eating the barley too soon. They came back.

I was out of the habit of boiling the barley and eating it--so bloody inconvenient. I would boil up a mess of it, and it would rot in the fridge. Or I would boil it, forget it was on the burner and nearly burn down the house. Not very effective. But effective enough that I didn't have to deal with them for a year or so.

About a year ago, I notice little HPV tumors raising their hateful little heads all over my hands. They start as tiny innocuous bumps and grow and grow and grow. And from the numbers, it was going to be quite a crop.

I've recently taken to drinking a coffee substitute. Needless to say I've taken no end of flak from coffee lovers and coffer haters alike. (You can imagine how much their opinions effected me as I made it a point to enjoy at least one cup of Pero every morning.) What does this have to do with warts? Well, what does barley have to do with warts?? That's what I want to know! Not that it matters. What matters is it works.

You see, I enjoy this Pero. And Pero is made out of malted barley, barley, chicory and rye. You know all those pre-wart bumps? Gone. And I've only been drinking this stuff for just under a month. I think this time I'll thumb my wart-free nose at my friends and just continue drinking this stuff until all vestiges of HPV is eradicated from this body, and certainly longer. And if the warts come back...well...they better watch out. I have Pero and I'm not afraid to drink it!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

What Would YOU Think?

Your brother-in-law calls the credit union at which your mom works. He puts in a request to close the account and send all money in it to him. Later he calls and your mom answers and he asks when he can get his money. She tells him that it likely got mailed soon after his initial call, and can she talk to her daughter--and he hangs up on her.

Mind you, this is the brother-in-law who is very emotionally abusive to your sister's kids--well, except for the one he sired--and has said he would leave her and her boys and take his boy.

Your mom thinks it's rather strange, and calls you. You concur about the strangeness and decide to call your sister. There's no answer. You call her home. Busy signal. You call your brother-in-law and when he answers you ask if you can talk to your sis--he hangs up.

Further attempts at calling meet no response.

You send a text message asking what's going response. You text your brother-in-law who responds with extremely abusive, aggressive replies. You text your sister, instructing her to call so everyone knows she's alright. You receive no response from your sister and further abusive text messages from your brother-in-law, who, by the way, responds to your threat to call the cops with, "call them." Finally who you're expected to believe is your sister responds...with a text message...that says, "I'm fine."

Did you over-react by calling the cops? Did you over-react by texting your sister to "prove it: call Mom"?

This is why I've lived a sheltered life. So I can fully more appreciate the drama I've married into.